The Eternal Quest Of Cyril Figgis
by Red Witch
Summary: Cyril will do whatever it takes to get Lana back. Even though the probability of that happening is zero. Or is it?


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is still off in a coma somewhere. Even though Archer has woken up. He's about to get some shocking news. One of which is that Lana may be married. But to whom? Well, there are some possibilities which my tiny little mind will try to explain. **

** This takes place right after the story The Wedding Groomsman's Hangover. Now we go on…**

**The Eternal Quest Of Cyril Figgis **

"Well Lana is still mad about what happened last weekend," Cyril grumbled. He still had the black eye from earlier that morning.

"That you got drunk and screwed your friend's new bride?" Ray asked. He and the others were calmly playing cards in the bullpen. "I would think so."

"You slept with the **groom!**" Cyril snapped. "She didn't get mad at **you!**"

"I didn't date Lana," Ray pointed out.

"Man has a point," Krieger nodded. "Besides, why do you care?"

"Because he wants to bone Lana again," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "Duh!"

"It's a little more than **that!**" Cyril snapped. "I think I still have a chance…"

"At what?" Pam asked. "Getting your ass kicked? You have lots of chances for that."

"To win Lana back," Cyril said.

To this the others groaned in agony. "UGGGGGHHHH!" Cheryl groaned in displeasure.

"Not **again!"** Krieger said at the same time.

"Seriously?" Pam asked at the same time.

"Cyril, we have been over and over, and **over **this!" Ray groaned. "Lana is in love with Archer. Not **you!**"

"I don't **care!**" Cyril snapped. "I'm still in love with Lana! I know it's stupid! I know it's hopeless but that's how I feel! If I could shut that part of me off I would! But I can't! I still love Lana!"

"Well you have a funny way of showing it," Lana walked into the room.

"And here comes the 2:15 Ass Kicking," Pam quipped. "Right on schedule."

"Okay I **asked **you to go to this wedding!" Cyril protested. "You said no!"

"So that gives you the right to bang the bride?" Lana asked.

"Well the groom certainly wasn't going to do it!" Cheryl spoke up.

"I hate to say it but uh…" Ray admitted. "She has a point. He wasn't exactly unfamiliar with the male body."

"That marriage was doomed long before Cyril and the rest of us showed up," Cheryl nodded. "All we did was make it crash and burn faster and make everything a hundred times worse!"

"All I'm saying is that episode is the latest in an increasing long string of bad behavior you picked up!" Lana told Cyril.

"And where do you think I **learned it** Lana?" Cyril pointed to the others. "Cal Tech?"

"He has picked up some pointers from us," Pam admitted. "I'm kind of proud of him for that."

"You know what really pisses me off, Lana?" Cyril snapped. "I'm admitting I made a lot of mistakes. But for every one mistake I made, Archer made a **hundred**! And yet he gets a **pass!** I never treated you half as badly has he did! Hell, he even got you arrested as a **joke!** I'd never do that to you in a **million years**!"

Lana paused. "You're right."

"You're damn right I'm…" Cyril did a double take. "Say **what now?" **

"I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for what happened in Vegas," Lana admitted. "I had no right to get angry after telling you that I wasn't interested and then changing my mind at the last minute."

Lana looked at him. "Although you **did **deserve to get hit for that thing with the robot clones. And trying to hit on me when Archer was first in the coma. And that incident at your friend's wedding."

"Fair enough," Cyril nodded. "But I wouldn't have done that _last one_ if I wasn't plastered on Krieger Valley wine!"

"_Krieger Valley?"_ Lana did a double take. She glared at Krieger. "You brought that shit to a **wedding?**"

"Uh…" Krieger gulped.

"He mixed it into the wine supply when nobody was looking!" Cyril added. "None of us had any idea until we drank it!"

Lana glared at Krieger. "You brought **hyper decanted crazy fruit wine** to a _**wedding?**_ Krieger what were you _**thinking?"**_

"What? It would have been rude to not bring a gift!" Krieger protested.

Cyril asked. "Can't you just get something from Bed, Bath and Beyond like everybody else?"

"I wanted it to be personal," Krieger shrugged.

"Well no wonder you idiots got drunk!" Lana snapped. Then she thought. "That also explains why that minister took off his clothes at the reception. And why that other guy thought that plant was Jennifer Aniston."

"That was a very weird reception," Ray admitted. "And I have been to some where my cousins got into a shootout over why some other cousins didn't marry a goat. Don't ask."

"I…" Cheryl began.

"I SAID **DON'T ASK**!" Ray shouted.

Cheryl looked at Ray. "Your backstory gets weirder and more interesting every time you even mention a snippet of it."

"Tell me about it," Ray sighed. "There are things about my past even **I** don't believe. And I was there!"

"Lana, I had no idea Krieger spiked the wine until it was too late!" Cyril protested. "I swear!"

"Couple things," Lana sighed. "One…" She then proceeded to slap Krieger repeatedly.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" Krieger protested. "OW!"

"Two…" Lana sighed. She slapped Krieger again.

"OW!" Krieger winced in pain. "Your hands are really hard…"

"Three, Cyril I will give you a pass on the Krieger Valley wine," Lana told Cyril. "And what happened at that fundraiser we went to with Cheryl. Krieger spiked the punch then too. I'm sorry I got angry about those times. And what happened in Vegas. I had no right to just tear into you like that."

"Phrasing!" Pam called out. Everyone glared at her. "What?"

"Inappropes," Ray folded his arms.

"Look I realize I hurt you," Cyril admitted to Lana. "You have every right to be angry at me. I've done a lot of stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid things."

"He did me," Cheryl spoke up.

"And me!" Pam added.

"Case in point," Cyril groaned. "And honestly I'm tired of acting like Archer. I go crazy during one weekend and I'm wiped. I just can't keep going and going like Archer does. How does he do it?"

"He **doesn't**," Ray spoke up. "Coma. Remember?"

"My point is," Cyril said. "I started seeing another therapist to fix…Some of the bad habits I've picked up."

"I'd be lying if I didn't say I picked up a few bad habits of my own from Archer," Lana admitted. "And I've started to see a therapist as well to work on my anger issues."

"You're seeing a therapist?" Pam asked. "Is this because Archer is in a coma?"

Lana admitted. "Not just because of Archer being in a coma. I've realized that I have some issues I need to work on as well."

"What?" Cheryl snickered. "You've been dreaming that you turn into the She Hulk and murder us all? Which sounds really sexy actually."

Lana paused. "I use a lightsaber."

"But you're not even a big fan of Star Wars," Ray pointed out.

"Exactly," Lana said.

"Okay I see the problem here," Ray sighed.

Pam nodded. "That is disturbing."

"Still sexy," Cheryl grinned.

Pam added. "Well yeah but still…"

Lana sighed. "Maybe I do get angry a little too fast and jump to conclusions?"

"To be fair," Pam spoke up. "With this group those conclusions are usually pretty accurate."

"Lana we've both made huge mistakes," Cyril said. "Admittedly more me than you. But I don't want to keep making them. I care about you too much."

Lana sighed. "I guess one of the reasons I got so mad is that I care about you too. More than I thought. Is that weird?"

"For **this group**?" Cyril asked. "No."

Pam added. "If we didn't like each other a little bit we would have killed each other years ago!"

"I know!" Krieger said. "I used to have daydreams about nerve gas! What was **that **about?"

"Me too!" Cheryl added. "That and burning the building to the ground."

"You **always** want to burn a building to the ground," Ray told her.

Cheryl shrugged. "Well yeah but I figured somebody will burn this dump sooner or later without my help. Plus, I'm really enjoying the whole burning down my own buildings for profit. It's such a thrill to commit arson and insurance fraud at the same time! No wonder my relatives all do it!"

"Swell," Cyril sighed.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Lana sighed. "But the more I think about it, the more I _really _think about it. You're the one who's actually been there for me more than Archer has."

"You actually **bought** that?" Cheryl spoke up.

"Cheryl!" Cyril snapped.

"I mean **hello!**" Cheryl said. "Mr. Archer got shot and put in a coma to keep your ass out of jail! Remember?"

Ray added. "Yeah but she wouldn't have been in that position in the **first place** if Archer and you didn't lie to the cops as a joke."

"Oh right," Cheryl blinked. "What was I **thinking**? _Cornrows?_ Talk about a bad hair day huh?"

"**That **doesn't deserve a slap?" Krieger asked Lana.

Lana took a deep breath. "Look I'm not saying I want to get back together. But…Who knows how long Archer is going to be in a coma? If he ever does…I'm just saying…I've been thinking about our relationship over and over…"

"Lana you don't have to decide anything now," Cyril interrupted. "I get it. You have to figure out what you really want and what's best for you. Even if it's not me."

"I know," Lana said. "But I have decided I can't wait for Archer forever. I mean part of me will always love him but…"

"But **what?"** Pam snapped. "You're just gonna shack up with the first guy that comes along?"

"PAM!" Ray snapped. He slapped her with his non-bionic hand.

"OW!" Pam snapped. "Okay, I had that coming…"

"The more I think about our relationship," Lana admitted. "Even when it was good…It wasn't that good. Even when I thought he changed he was still selfish and thinking about banging other women. Our last three months together we didn't even have sex. All we did was fight."

"Over Veronica Deane," Cheryl added. "Who Archer wanted to screw and did. And she shot him. Which is pretty funny. I mean after he drilled her, she drilled…"

Lana then repeatedly slapped Cheryl. "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Thank you," Krieger sighed.

"Yeah, _thank you_," Cheryl purred rubbing her red cheek.

"I didn't want to say this Lana," Ray sighed. "I was trying to keep out of it but…The reason you and Archer didn't have sex was because Archer had some weird idea in his head that by sleeping with you, he was cheating on Veronica Deane."

"WHAT?" Lana shouted.

"Yeah what **the hell**, Ray?" Pam snapped. "Why did you tell her **that?** Don't you want her and Archer back together?"

"I want Lana to be **happy!**" Ray snapped. "And she needs to know all the facts."

"If we're talking facts why don't we just show Lana the tape Krieger made of when we sicced Katya on Archer?" Pam snapped.

"You did **what now?"** Lana glared at her.

"God damn it, Pam," Ray groaned.

"You blabbermouth!" Cyril glared at her.

"Explain…" Lana folded her arms and glared at them.

"Uhh…" Ray and Cyril said at the same time.

"We were all getting sick of you and Mr. Archer's smoochy boochy vomit causing canoodling," Cheryl spoke up. "Not just Cyril wanted to break you up. You two were so sweet and nauseating I almost got a cavity just watching you!"

"You two were rather revolting," Krieger admitted. "Even by my standards."

"And he has none," Ray pointed.

"So other than telling Ms. Archer on you we had to find a way to break you up," Pam said. "Before we vomited to death. Then I suggested the whole bait car idea…"

"But instead of a car we would use a vagina that could fog a mirror," Cheryl added. "And since all the hookers in New York were out, since odds are Archer had already used most of them like Kleenex."

"We needed someone who had a powerful psychological hold over Archer," Krieger finished.

"Katya," Lana realized.

"Yes," Krieger nodded.

"Couple things…" Lana began.

She then slapped Pam. "OW!" Pam said.

Then Krieger. "OW!" Krieger winced.

Then Ray. "OW!" Ray whined.

Then Cheryl. "YAY!" Cheryl grinned.

Lana stopped at Cyril who flinched. "I already hit you so…" Lana sighed. "I'm giving you a pass this time."

"Thank you," Cyril sighed.

Then Pam hit him. "OW! _Why?"_ Cyril protested.

"I don't know," Pam shrugged. "Just seemed like you needed a slappin'."

"I want to see this tape **now!**" Lana snapped.

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger gulped and ran to get it.

"This won't be good," Cyril groaned.

"Not for your chances of getting Lana back," Pam said.

Then Cyril slapped her. "OW!" Pam snapped. She started slapping Cyril. Cyril fought back with his slaps. Then Cheryl joined in, happy to get in on the violence.

"Oh my God…" Lana closed her eyes and massaged the bridge of her nose. "Idiots all around me."

"Yeah," Ray admitted, absently rubbing his cheek. "There's a reason most of our plans don't work out too well."

"Just figured that out," Lana groaned.

Less than twenty minutes later Lana and the others were watching Archer's confession to Katya on the wide screen TV. "Oh my…" Lana's eyes widened.

"We really felt bad about doing that to you Lana," Pam apologized. "Even Cheryl!"

"Why do you think we ran up all those steps to try to warn you?" Ray added.

"And in the end, it wasn't necessary," Pam went on. "Archer turned down Katya for you!"

"Wow," Lana realized. "For Archer that **was** self-restraint!"

"Oh boy…" Cyril groaned as he watched his chance with Lana go down the proverbial toilet.

"I can't believe…" Lana paused. "He actually felt that way. And that bastard **still** knocked me out with a drug and transported me to Wales while only wearing my underwear!"

"Wait, _what?_" Cyril did a double take.

"Well he did put a trench coat over me," Lana sighed. "But not my dress…I mean…?"

"That is weird…" Ray blinked.

"Why didn't he tell me what he told Katya?" Lana was stunned. "He could tell that Russian Sex Robot but not _me?_ What the hell is **that **all about?"

"And think about all the other times he pissed you off for no reason!" Cyril jumped on the opportunity. "Other than his own amusement."

"Hang on!" Pam snapped. "You heard the tape! Archer considers Lana his best friend!"

"Some friend," Ray grumbled.

"If he was such a good friend to Lana why would he lie to the cops as a **joke?**" Cyril snapped.

"Because Archer treats everyone like shit because he's an asshole!" Lana snapped. "Oh my God. Archer treats **everyone**…Oh My God."

"Yeah you stole the sperm of a guy who wasn't really that into you," Cheryl shrugged. "Obsessed with you maybe but not into **you."**

"Isn't that the same thing?" Pam asked.

"No," Cheryl scoffed. "To Archer Lana was just like his ultimate, ultimate conquest. If he could screw her after he got her mad, he got off on it. It was like he loved her but didn't like her. Her personality that is."

"Be honest Lana," Cyril said. "Other than the fact that you two worked together and liked pissing off Ms. Archer, what do you two have in common?"

"Uh, his _daughter?_" Pam suggested.

"Personality wise," Ray looked at her.

"Oh right," Pam realized. "**That**. Yeah you two don't exactly share the same interests."

"We don't do we?" Lana said. "We never had the talk about where we saw our relationship going. I mean I tried but Archer kept changing the subject. Every single time."

Lana got up from the couch and leaned against the wall. "Lana…?" Ray asked. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," Lana closed her eyes. "This whole thing is a mess and I just can't deal with it anymore."

"What do you mean?" Pam asked.

"I've listened to my heart with Archer," Lana admitted as she opened her eyes. "And every single time I did it hurt me. I can't keep doing this anymore. I love Archer but…I have a life to live. I have a child to raise. I can't do either of those if I just keep holding onto what I think is going to happen. Which if I'm being honest probably won't."

"What are you saying?" Cyril asked.

"All I'm saying now is that I need to move forward," Lana told him. "I need to put AJ first. And then…I have to see where this goes."

"Lana whatever happens," Cyril said. "You know the rest of us have your back, right?"

Everyone looked at Cheryl who was looking distracted. "Well **most** of us have your back," Cyril groaned.

"What?" Cheryl asked. "I think Lana should dump Archer's selfish coma ass. Put her daughter in boarding school and go out and party somewhere. Pick up a new guy to bone. Seriously we could use a new hot guy around here."

Pam shrugged. "She ain't wrong."

Ray shrugged. "Yup."

Cyril groaned. "Lana you don't have to decide anything for now. Just focus on your daughter and your life. You don't deserve to deal with Archer's baggage."

"I will," Lana said. "You know Cyril…I can't believe how much you're stepping up around here. I mean, with Archer out and Mallory out of her mind…You've kept this agency going a lot longer than I thought you would."

"You're not the only one who's surprised at that," Pam agreed.

"I could have sworn we would have been canceled years ago," Cheryl added. "But no, we're still here. And it's not **all **Archer! Okay? We work great together as an ensemble! The viewers love that!"

"Still thinks she's in a TV show, doesn't she?" Lana groaned.

"Just humor her," Cyril sighed. "Lana do you need to take some time off today? Just to think?"

"I actually do," Lana admitted.

"Then take the rest of the day off," Cyril said. "You need some Me Time. Your daughter won't be out of school for a few hours. If we need you, we'll call."

"You should get your nails done," Ray remarked. "Girl those things are starting to get scraggly."

"I think I will," Lana said as she got her purse. "There's a good nail salon down the block that does walk ins. Are you sure you'll be okay?"

"Uh doing **nothing **for a few hours?" Cyril rolled his eyes. "As long as Cheryl doesn't burn the building down, we'll be fine!"

"I said I **wouldn't** do that!" Cheryl snapped. "God! At least until Sweeps Week."

"Well then okay," Lana sighed. "Thanks Cyril. I'm sorry I gave you such a hard time."

"I deserved it," Cyril told her. "I think I picked up too many of Archer's bad habits that I seriously need to undo."

"Does that count as phrasing?" Pam asked.

"Not everything is phrasing, Pam!" Krieger snapped.

"I really need the rest of the day off," Lana groaned as she left.

Cyril waited until she was out of the building and out of earshot. He turned on the rest of the gang_. "I'm gonna get Lana back!"_ He taunted and started to dance around. _"I'm gonna get Lana back! I'm gonna get Lana back! And you all can __**suck it!"**_

"Hang on!" Pam protested.

"Oh no! No! No! No!" Cyril interrupted her. "I did it twice before, **three times** is the charm! I can do this! I can do Lana!"

"Oh my God…" Ray rolled his eyes. "Not **again!"**

"You heard her!" Cyril grinned. "The rose-colored booze glasses are **finally** coming off! With Archer out of the picture, Cyril Figgis is back in! I'm back baby!"

"Unfortunately," Cheryl groaned. "Back to this plot line…"

"All I have to do is do the **opposite **of what Archer does and I'm in!" Cyril grinned. "Except for the stuff Lana finds attractive. That I'll do! But other than that, I can win her back! And not just for a quick lay! Oh no! Cyril Figgis is playing for keeps this time!"

"Well you're not playing for your marbles," Krieger remarked. "You lost those a long time ago!"

"Go ahead and laugh!" Cyril said. "There's a reason Lana keeps coming back to Figgis!"

"Yeah, a twelve-inch-long reason," Pam said. "God damn. That **is** a good reason."

"_I'm gonna make it after all!_" Cyril sang as he went to his office.

"Is that phrasing?" Cheryl asked.

"It would be if he said **made out**," Ray told him. "Or made Lana. Well this little love triangle is back."

"Here we go again," Krieger groaned.

"That man is delusional with a capital D," Pam stated as she folded her arms.

"I don't know. I say if anybody can do it, it's Cyril," Ray spoke up. "I mean come on!"

"No," Pam shook her head. "No way. Lana isn't dumb enough to go after Cyril again."

"Uh yeah she is," Cheryl said. "She went back to Cyril at least once before. And she's dumb enough to keep going after Archer."

"No way," Pam shook her head. "No way will Lana go with Cyril or any **other guy** while Archer is in a coma."

"I don't know about that," Krieger shrugged. "This is Lana we're talking about."

"Desperation is practically her middle name," Cheryl added.

"Fifty bucks says that Cyril can get Lana back," Ray said.

"You're on!" Pam said. "I'll do you one better! I'll pay a **hundred dollars** if Cyril actually manages to marry her!"

"And if Lana **doesn't **get married or go back to Cyril before Archer wakes up, **I** will pay a hundred dollars!" Ray snapped.

"Deal!" Pam snapped.

"Well my money is on a **new guy!"** Cheryl spoke up.

"Like _who?"_ Pam asked.

"Shouldn't that be like whom?" Krieger asked.

"I don't know," Cheryl said. "Hey! There's Conway Stern! She could go for him! He's splooshable!"

"He's also probably pissed that Lana ripped off his hands," Pam scoffed.

"Well what about Slater?" Cheryl asked.

"He's an annoying asshole," Ray said.

"So is Archer," Cheryl remarked. "What's your point?"

"She's got us there," Ray said.

"Or even that cop that arrested her would be interesting," Cheryl said. "Surprise twist in the story line!"

"I know a guy who would be good for Lana," Krieger said. "Dr. Quinn."

"A medicine woman?" Pam asked.

"No, he's a **real doctor**!" Krieger snapped. "And he's into all that same environmental stuff Lana likes too! Now that I think about it, they have a lot in common."

"Ooh, a surprise crossover!" Cheryl gasped. "That would be totally amaze-balls!"

"Hang on," Pam said. "Isn't that the same Dr. Quinn that hangs around with that crazy Debbie chick?"

"Yes, but they go on break even more than Lana and Archer," Krieger explained. "It could work!"

"Who cares as long as it's a **new guy?"** Cheryl said. "A hundred bucks says she bangs and grabs a new guy."

"What if she only bangs a new guy?" Pam asked.

"I'll still pay a hundred bucks," Cheryl said. "It's worth it to move the plot along into a new direction."

"I'll pay a hundred too," Krieger said. "New guy or Dr. Quinn!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new betting pool," Pam called out. "I'll set up the white board!"

Cheryl looked at the fourth wall. "And the rest of us have to wait until Season 11 starts to get some answers!"

"I think we'd get more if we had a psychiatrist around here," Ray groaned.


End file.
